2019, so long and thanks for all the fish
I love a good ol' cliché end of the year post so this year I am making no exceptions and busting one out yet again. Now this'll be a long one, so if you're coming along for the ride - make yourself a coffee and get comfortable ;)
Reflection is an incredible thing and if you take the time out to think about all of the things that made up Twenty Nineteen, and actually focus on all of the learnings from the year, you really do notice just how much you have grown, changed and evolved as a person. Even if maybe some days you don't really feel like you have.
My word for this past year was Intentional. My goal was to make sure that everything I did this year was with intention, and was going to get me closer to the life I wanted. Well, the life I thought I wanted. No more saying yes to things that I didn’t really want to do, no more starting new projects that weren't in alignment with my goals, and a whole lot of careful consideration on how I spent my time.
I knew 2019 was going to be the year I levelled the F up. But seriously? The Universe is a mother flippin' comedian.
I don't think there was a month in the first half of the year that I wasn't jumping on a plane or 2 to go somewhere. I went on adventures, saw live music, spent time with my man, hung out with friends, ran events and was a girl on a god damn mission.
But here is where I own my shit.
Financially shit got hard. Real hard. I'd put money aside to allow myself time to get my business up and running with consistent income, but I'll own it - I fucked up. I played too much, I didn't spend enough time on income generating activities and then I got so stuck in my own head about everything.
I decided that my best move was to focus on my own personal growth. I had completed my NLP Training in Sydney in March and it was amazing. It opened something up inside me that had me craving more. More growth, more learning, and an insane desire to really truly discover more about who I was. So I committed to coming back to do my Master NLP and Hypnosis certifications in Sydney throughout the year. From a monetary perspective I couldn't afford to do it, but from a personal development perspective I sure as shit couldn't afford not to.
In May I spent 12 days in Sydney unpacking all my metaphorical shit and, to be perfectly honest, changing my life. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people I've had the pleasure of meeting, and was in the safest, most supportive environment I have ever experienced. I surrendered, I cried, I owned my stories and cleared out a whole bunch of stuff that I didn't even realise was holding me back.
Inner work is the business, peeps. Fo' reals.
I came back to Christchurch a different woman. I had more purpose, more focus and I understood myself on a whole other level. Upon reflection, I was also seeing things differently than I had before; people, places, situations, dynamics. But that's another post for another day.
June was amazing. I was showing up consistently in my business, income was beginning to flow in again, I ran my next round of Girl Boss Chat Series events and they were incredible; Christchurch sold out and my first ever Wellington event was amazing. My podcast was gaining traction and I was absolutely loving life. I was unstoppable.
Well, until I was stopped.
July was an absolute bitch. I am not even going to try sugar coat it. Going through heartbreak sucks big hairy balls. And when you're in a heap on the floor, a completely broken mess, the last thing you want to find out is that your now-ex is introducing his new girlfriend to your friends a week after you break up. Talk about being kicked when you're down.
Thankfully with the power of hindsight and reflection, I can see now that this was literally the best thing to ever happen to me. It happened FOR me, not to me.
And you know what I am most proud of? How I was able to bounce back from the worst time in my life in, what I can now see was, record speed. Speaking to others who had been through their own heartbreak in the past, when I was in the crux of my own, made me feel like the pain would last forever. With all of the personal development I had done I knew of course that this wasn't true and that I had the power to decide to stop hurting and to pick myself up again. But when you're there it sure as shit doesn't feel that way.
Less than a month after the breakup I decided to write down all of my learnings and I posted it to social media. I wanted to share everything I had learnt during that time in the hope that it would help others if they were going through their own stuff, or that it would open up conversations between couples. Because communication is everything. At that point, it still felt a little surreal and I was still wondering whether we would come back together but shortly after I hit publish on that post I realised I didn't actually want that life anymore.
I didn't want him back. I wanted me back.
And I knew I had a tough road ahead of me. Not only was I having to figure out what my life would look like without him, I also had to face up to the fact I hadn't had income for months and I was at a point where I couldn't go any further backwards. Literally. The only way forward with the headspace I was in was going back to employment. As much as I wanted to dive back into business, I knew in my heart that I needed to honour myself and give my heart and mind the space it deserved to fully heal and be ready to serve others again. Thankfully my old boss is an absolute champion and offered me my old job back. I was appreciative for the routine, structure and being back with my old, familiar work crew who are like family.
Slowly but surely, things got better and better. Despite finances being pretty dire, I was happy. So damn happy. I had a tribe of incredible friends around me (both near and far), my health was the best it had been in years, I was doing things that I really loved and I felt more at home in a place (that had only become home because of my ex) than I had ever before.
I also started dating again. Controversial so soon after a breakup? Pfft, please. I had given myself the time to grieve and heal that I needed and I was ready to get back out there. My intention was purely to meet interesting, and exciting people. And boy -oh-boy did I what!? I'm going to share more posts and more learnings around that whole experience soon, but for the purpose of this post I just wanted to give massive props to the rad guys I have met along this journey. They all taught me something in some way, shape or form, but most importantly I am just grateful for having had the opportunity to meet them. And I don't want to brag, but because I am so damn good at attracting in epic people into my life some of those guys have become good friends and will be in my life for the long term.
One of the biggest learnings I had while I was dating was that I had spent so much of my time and energy building a Girl Boss community over the last few years and whilst I absolutely love them to pieces, I missed connecting and having deeper, thought provoking conversations with guys. So without giving too much away, my business vision for Twenty Twenty is looking very different to how I imagined but I am so excited for the new direction I'm heading. I will share more about this in my second cliché post for the week… "Twenty Twenty Vision".
All-in-all Twenty Nineteen didn't deliver most of what I wanted, but it certainly gave me absolutely everything that I needed. The Universe called me on my shit, took my word 'intentional' and turned it on its head, pushed me in the direction that I am meant to be headed and then empowered me with the tools and learnings that I needed.
I'm ending this year with the most inner happiness that I have ever experienced and so much gratitude for every single person in my life. Yes, I'm talking to YOU. I am stronger, more peaceful, free of judgment (of myself and others) and feel so incredibly light.
Every single thing that happens in our life is FOR us and as soon as you learn to embrace that, you realise just how much of an incredible gift this life is.
Cheers to Twenty Nineteen 🥂
You weren't what I was expecting but I fucking loved you… even when I didn't.