the end of an era

I’m incredibly sad that this will be the last photo I share of us.

Him. Me. Together.

I wasn’t sure when would feel like the right time for me to share this post but with today being the first of a new month, it feels like the beginning of my next chapter.

Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a pretty open book. I am real, I am honest and I am not afraid to be vulnerable. The purpose of this post is not to air every last detail about my personal life to the world but rather one to honour the last 4 incredible years of my life and impart some of the learnings that I have had in the last few weeks, that may help you now or in the future.

A few weeks ago my relationship with my best friend and the person I love most in the world ended. The guy I thought I was going to marry. The only guy I ever really wanted to marry.

You may have noticed by my absence on social media, or the few posts I did make, that I was completely broken. To say that every single ounce of my being was shattered into a million pieces would be an understatement. I can honestly say that I’ve never felt that amount of pain before in my entire life, and I would never wish that upon anyone.

I get it. Relationships end and not everything can be a fairytale ending. And I guess I should be incredibly grateful that I managed to last until the ripe ol’ age of 33 before I had to endure this level of heartbreak. But that still doesn’t make it any easier.

Like many people in the first couple or so weeks post-breakup, my head was complete mush and I was desperate to get answers. I messaged more than I should have. I said more than I wanted to. I overthought every single last detail a billion times over. And, I won’t lie, I definitely sent myself cray-cray.

I say that I sent myself cray-cray because I know that I am the only person in control of my emotions. Despite what anyone “does to you” we are still the ones that make the decision to act or react in a certain way. This is not excusing the behaviour of the other person by any means but by taking ownership of how you feel, you allow yourself to regain control on your terms.

So I let myself feel all the feels which admittedly felt WAY out of my control for the first 2-3 weeks, and then I had to make the decision to let go. To forgive him. Not for him, but for me.

Whilst another relationship is literally the furthest thing in my mind and feels like it will never happen at this point, there is some shit I’ve learnt in the last month that I’m taking forward with me as I rebuild my life, and I hope that it might help you (or someone you know) too.

Communication is literally everything

Unlike many breakups, I was fortunate enough to be able to have the opportunity to spend time a couple of days ago expressing my thoughts, feelings and observations, and for those to be lovingly and openly received. Although it was extremely emotionally (and a bit of a head fuck if I’m being honest), we got the chance to acknowledge that those types of conversations had been lacking in the relationship and were a contributing factor to the breakdown.

I’ve always known that communication is the key to a successful relationship but somewhere along the track I accepted it wasn’t something that would ever come naturally and recently allowed it to not be a priority.

This was a huge mistake and I’m willing to take ownership for my part in that.

Things should not be left unsaid. Ever. Your partner isn’t a mind reader and neither are you – never assume what your partner is thinking/feeling. The conversations may not be easy, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t necessary. If you love someone you need to learn how to communicate with them. We don’t all communicate or like to receive information in the same way, so take the time to get a better understanding of the dynamic sooner rather than later.

And there is zero shame in getting outside help for you both to get on the same page with this.

Happiness is an inside job

Your partner is not responsible for your happiness. Period.

If you are feeling unhappy or discontent, I encourage you to take a step back and assess ALL areas of your life. More often than not our unhappiness is a compounded effect of a multitude of things in our lives, and just changing one thing may not solve all of our problems.

I know I preach Personal Development like there is no tomorrow, but seriously, that shit is life changing. When you spend time learning more about yourself, what has shaped you to be who you are today, and what really lights you up, you realise that you really do hold the power to make your life as amazing as you deserve.

The best place to start is to stop focusing on what you don’t have and focus on what you do. I often see people chasing these lofty goals (and you know I’m all for big dreams) but if those goals don’t have a really strong WHY behind them and align with creating a life you truly LOVE, you may get there eventually and realise you still feel empty and you’ve wasted the journey fixated on this magical “end point”.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Think about what you want your life to look like and make sure that the sacrifices you make in your life are not to the detriment of enjoying things now.

The grass is greener where you water it

It’s easy to look at the lives of others around us (or on social media) and think that they have it better than us. Thinking that someone else, or someone else’s life is the answer to our happiness is wrong. By allowing ourselves to get distracted by “greener grass” we are in actual fact doing the exact opposite of my previous point. Happiness is found within.

Once you’ve taken the time to realign and realise what it is YOU really want your life to look like, it’s important to practice gratitude for the present and put time, energy and attention in to making that grass the greenest, lushest grass you’ve ever seen.

That new grass that you jump the fence for will also have its seasons and come with its own set of challenges, I promise you.

Forgiveness is for you, not them

This was the hardest thing I’ve had to learn in life, especially in this stage right now. Because when someone hurts you so badly and does things that you would never dream of doing to them, the last thing you feel like doing is forgiving them. But holding onto that anger, disappointment and hurt is giving them your power. And you deserve better than that.

Forgiveness takes strength and courage. And you my friend, have so damn much of that shit!

Your ego is not your friend

Allow yourself to be vulnerable, admit where you are wrong, ask for help when you need it and don’t be so damn stubborn. Your ego is there to protect you from unpleasant feelings and quite honestly can make you a bit of a douche. Drop the ego and allow yourself to surrender in a relationship. This doesn’t mean let yourself be walked all over, it simply means that remember that you two are a team and being right isn’t important. Ever.

I have spent too much time in my life being fiercely independent, steadfastly creating my own path, and priding myself on my tenacity and ability to “start again”, when deep down I knew that is the opposite of what a successful relationship looks like.

And last but not least, relationships are more important than anything

This learning hit me the hardest.

I’ve always known that relationships were more important than anything but like many people, we had succumbed to the “hustle” and kept telling ourselves that life will be better when we’ve hit X goal. When our businesses reach X point. When we make X dollars.

Yep, I had fallen into that trap.

Me.

A life coach who helps her clients to realise that the business they are building is meant to ENHANCE their life, not detract from it. Yet here I was being a walking contradiction and not even seeing it myself until it was too late.

Being in a relationship with an equally driven person, and then not paying close attention to who in our lives was influencing our direction, meant we derailed “our” dream somewhere along the track and individually started focusing on our own with the “hopes” that the tracks would meet up again.

Hoping shit will change doesn’t change shit.

Work, Careers, Status, Money, Stuff. It all means literally nothing.

Now I’m not saying to give up on your dreams, I’m just saying make sure they are what you actually want and be sure you COMMUNICATE them regularly with your partner to keep each other on track. Because sometimes we get caught up in other people’s visions and we can lose sight of what we actually want, and often our partners are the best people to help us see that.

You can 100% each build your own dreams (and I still highly encourage this), but their journeys need to run side by side, and the destination should be in the same place.

Throughout this whole horrific (not even exaggerating) phase, it was the other relationships in my life that got me through. Family, friends, and even social media friends I’ve not yet met in person. And it reminded me, yet again, on the importance of being selective in who you surround yourself with.

It’s the people around me that make my life awesome and I don’t know what I did to deserve such incredible friends, but I love them all so fucking much. They are the kindest, most sincere, genuine people in the world and they have helped me more than they will ever know. They rallied around, sent an abundance of messages of love and support, have been there at the drop of a hat with every “SOS” message, and are helping to build me back up so I can start again.

I’ll be real, I still don’t want to start again.

I feel like the Universe has taught me a whole bunch of stuff I clearly needed to learn or be reminded of, and now I’ve got it and I’m good and I can go implement all that shit and get things back on track.

But sadly, that just isn’t how this story goes.

So this is my next chapter. I don’t know what the future will bring, but one thing is certain – despite all the hurt and disappointment on how things unfolded, I’m still so damn grateful for the last 4 years.

Alright Universe, let’s do this.