we repeat what we don't repair

Have you ever felt like you keep attracting the same types of things into your life? Perhaps there is a “type” of person you keep finding yourself attracted to? Maybe you keep getting triggered by the same thing over and over?

I hate to break it to you, but it’s all on you.

If we don’t take the time to properly look at what it is about OURSELVES that continues to see us in similar situations, then we are going to keep on seeing it happen over and over until we do.

You could say it's the Universes way of giving us a nudge to learn, heal and grow. And yes, a lot of the times it sucks. Big time.

I’m gonna get really fucking vulnerable with you right now.

Wanna know a pattern that I’ve subconsciously repeated my whole life (despite consciously trying to avoid it)?

I continually found myself attracting men with alcohol issues.

Even if the issues weren’t apparent initially, the Universe had put them in my path because it knew it was something I had been avoiding facing.

Guys who have to drink to have a good time.
Guys who want to “pre-load” before heading out.
Guys who drink to numb tough times.
Guys who drink to avoid dealing with their own shit.
Guys who can’t stop themselves from drinking once they’ve had a few.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a nice wine, single malt whiskey or delicious cocktail every now and then, and I don’t mind “letting loose” on the odd occasion, but I prefer to not drink 95% of the time so I am really able to soak up the awesomeness that is life.

So why, if alcohol didn't play a big part in my own social life, was I constantly finding myself dating or in relationships with guys who didn't truly have control over their drinking?

To get to my point I'm going to give you a bit of my back story.

For those of you who don't know, my Father was a functioning alcoholic. He still got up early to go to work and worked really hard (he was a bricklayer — and a bloody good one) but it was a very rare occasion that you saw him without a beer in his hand. He'd knock off work, crack open a beer for the drive to the pub, and then sit there drinking and gambling until he got hungry and would come home to eat and then go to bed.

I don't recall spending much time with him throughout my life and I probably saw more of him after my parents split when I was 9 when we'd go and stay with him every other weekend. It wasn't quality time of course, but it was time nonetheless.

Although I was only a child I could see that how my Dad was living his life wasn't healthy, and it definitely wasn't making him happy. But what was I supposed to do? I was just a kid. It makes me sad to admit it but for most of my life I resented him.

I resented him for so many things.

For breaking up our family.
For causing my Mum heartache and financial stress.
For being absent in so much of my life.
For him having nothing to do with his family (I barely got to know my Aunts, Uncles or Cousins)
For the time he was too drunk to pick my best friend and I up when we missed the last bus.
For the constant horrible things he said about my Mum.
For consistently drink driving.
For the way he was derogatory towards women.
For being a terrible role model for my little brother.
For being more interested in drinking and gambling than spending time with us.
For not taking more active interest in getting to know me, and the woman I was becoming.
For not taking his health more seriously, and allowing his drinking to destroy his body.

Ultimately I resented him for not being the Father I expected him to be.

But last year I made the decision to forgive him for all of those things. For everything.

Not to him, but for him. And for me. (There is another post coming soon about forgiving someone without telling them)

Along my own personal development journey I learned that everyone is only doing the best they can with what they know, and truly understanding that changed my life. I let go of all of the resentment I held for him and I replaced it with nothing but compassion and love.

After 33 years of a strained relationship, I finally just had love for him.

Shortly after I took myself through that healing journey my Dad was given the incredibly heartbreaking news that his cirrhosis of the liver had developed into a terminal cancer and he had 12-18 months left to live.

Sadly he only lived for 9 months after receiving that news, and passed away in March this year.

So why, if I had healed my relationship with my Father and forgiven him for all of the hurt he caused me, was I still finding myself attracting guys with alcohol issues? I thought I was past the "Daddy Issues".

Turns out I had forgiven him, but I had not forgiven myself.

"But Kylie, you didn't do anything wrong", I hear you say.

Try telling that to child Kylie who couldn't understand why her Dad would rather drink than spend time with her.
Try telling that to the kid who didn't know what to do or say to make her Dad less bitter/angry/sad.
Try telling that to the kid that would just be quiet or shrug it off when her Dad said something hurtful, because he'd been drinking.
Try telling that to the kid that felt like a burden to her Dad.

That girl held on to an incredible amount of guilt her whole life because she felt a huge amount of responsibility for her Dad's unhappiness. Her entire life she wished she could figure out how to speak up and tell her Dad that she didn't like him drinking. And maybe, just maybe, if she'd spoken up things would have been so much different.

She wished he could see that there were other ways to live. That he didn't have to drink. That he could be happy. That he was enough. That he was loved.

Instead she attracted guys who had that little (and sometimes big) part of her Dad within them, that she still held guilt around. And when they would display the traits that reminded her of her Dad, she became that small child again, feeling hurt, personally let down, and helpless.

So the last couple of weeks I've spent a lot of time loving on my inner child and helping her to understand that she was not responsible for any of her Dad's decisions and the life that he lived was simply the journey he was on, and that the only thing she was responsible for now was learning and growing from the experience.

I also had to acknowledge that I do not have a responsibility to "stick with" awesome guys who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol just because they say they want to change, and that I am allowed to speak up and walk away from those situations that make me feel uncomfortable.

In order to break the Attract > Trigger > React > Stay pattern I had found myself in I needed to dig deep and figure out what part of ME needed healing. The guys weren't coming to me because they needed or wanted saving, they were being sent to me because I needed to heal that part of myself.

Today I am feeling so immensely grateful for all of the guys I've dated or had relationships with that allowed me to (finally) recognise a part of me that I needed to repair. It may have taken more experiences than I care to admit for me to figure it out, but my heart is feeling so damn happy that I finally took responsibility for a part of me that I was scared to face.

And on a side note, I’m so damned grateful that my future husband has a healthy relationship with alcohol ;)